Stress Reaction

I've tried several times to figure out why I feel the need to explain myself each time I make a change in the content of the blog. I think it has to do with the nature of what I do from day to day. When you tell someone multiple times a day to do this or that or don't do this or that, (for instance: take this medication even though the package insert lists a host of possible side effects many of which sound worse than the disease they are being used to treat, but really, they hardly ever happen) well, you develop this need to explain your reasoning, to come to a mutual understanding and an agreement about your goals. And while I could say that it doesn't matter to me whether or not you agree with what I say, just like my job, it is important to me. Otherwise, I wouldn't be doing it. Not important so much that you agree with me, but important to me that what I say makes you think, or inspires you, or lifts you up. That's why I do this.

And that's why I have struggled with the content of this blog. Because much as I like knitting and spinning and all things crafty, those things are a means to an end. I do those things to relax. See, I struggle with anxiety; daily, pervasive, sometimes debilitating anxiety. And my mission, my goal, apart from living with and learning from this condition on a day-to-day basis, is to help others live with this and similar conditions within themselves. It's why I'm in medicine, and I'm discovering, what I want to blog about.

Still knitting, and spinning, and crafty things, because those things relax me, and inspire me. And reading about your accomplishments inspires me. But also about those other things, that aren't so fluffy and wonderful. But are real and personal.

The promised fluffy stuff.

Is it knit or knitted? The past tense of knit? I've seen it both ways and personally, I just can't wrap my head around knitted. Just sounds funny to me! I'm going to do some research on it {cough, cough**geek**cough, cough}, but in the mean time, give me your thoughts.

Knitters rock! This will come as no surprise to anyone, but still, I wanted to go on record and say “Knitters Rock”! You guys are supportive and loving and have warmed my heart with your response to my last post. As you can imagine, it was hard for me to write. But also liberating! Thank you all so much!

As promised, this blog will not become solely about self actualization (learned that phrase in Psych 101 and have loved it every since and use it at every opportunity! Just be glad you've been spared thus far)! There is knitting!

Generic 64 stitch sock
Vesper Sock Yarn in Astro
Crystal Palace Bamboo 2.5mm dpn

Odd confession time: Despite having a decent stash of Vesper Sock Yarn, I must admit that this is my first pair of Vesper Socks. I collect it because anything that is sold out all the time has to be good! Right?

And it is!! Love the stuff. It's soft and squooshy (another favorite word of mine). But the best part? No row counting! After I knit the first sock, all I had to do was keep track of the stripes and I knew exactly when to end the ribbing, start the heel flap, turn the heel and start the toe decreases. And they match perfectly! Another knitting nirvana moment!

I can't figure out this whole handpainted sock yarn thing. Is it supposed to be variegated, or striping (which we all know it does)? Or is it, as I think much more likely, just one big crapshoot? I find this to be especially true when knitting from two skeins.

I try to match my skeins. I untwist them, lay them side-by-side and try to match the color changes. I make sure they come off the swift onto the ball winder in the same direction and that I cast on from the same end of each ball. I'll cast on and knit the first sock to the heel, then cast on and knit the second sock until I can see that the striping is matching to an acceptable degree. This usually works pretty well.

Which leaves me at a loss to explain this. First sock knit to the heel. As you can see, I got a little carried away and knit the heel flap too. I love heel flaps. Just love them. I love their density and how the colors seem to intensify because of the k1, sl1 row followed by the purl across row. You know? Well, maybe it's just me. Ahem, moving on...

Second sock knit to the heel, again with the heel flap, but this time because I decided I liked the narrow stripes better. So of course I started to tear the other sock out when I realized I needed to be documenting all of this for the blog.

Now this is where things went awry. I was going to be smart, see. Prudent. Hedge my bets as it were. I cut (gasp, choke, get hold of yourselves) the yarn at the end of the flap of the second sock and cast on the third. It should work, right? It should have given me two narrow striped socks. IT MADE SENSE TO ME!!

L-R: 1st:wide stripe, 2nd:narrow stripe, 3rd:wide stripe?

These are Bloomin' Feet socks, btw. My pal is "easy to please". All I can say is, you better be, pal o'mine. I've knit you three socks, reknit one heel flap and lost innumerable irreplaceable brain cells in this process. Do you have any idea what this does to an OCD personality like mine? The yarn is Claudia's Handpainted in Blue Terra Cotta (this yarn has been marinating in my stash for well over a year. The Blue Terra Cotta I see for sale now looks nothing like this. I don't know why). It makes me think of daffodils pushing up through rich loam.

I was thinking about acronyms in the shower this morning. I think I’ve mentioned before that I do a lot of my thinking in the shower. As my brain slowly wakes up, it bounces from topic to topic like the ball in a pinball machine and I’ve thought many times (also in the shower) that a waterproof mini tape recorder would come in pretty handy. I could easily dictate whole blog posts during my morning ablutions. Then again, if we are dreaming here, a mini word processor with voice recognition would be awesome. I’d talk, it would transcribe, I would add the photos, and bing bang boom! Blog post! Hey, geeky guys, would you get on that please?

But anyway…. acronyms*. They fascinate me. We use them all the time in knitting: dpn’s, ssk, tbl. It’s like a code, or another language. Hey, maybe I can claim to be multilingual. I speak knitting, crochet and medicalease in addition to English.

I could, for instance:

Give you a PPI for your GERD. Tell you to take an ASA to reduce your risk for CVA. Tell you to avoid NSAIDS if you have a history of PUD. Give you an SSRI for your PTSD. Oh, and they work for PMDD too.

Take my son to TKD. Stop by KFC for dinner (I wouldn’t, but work with me here), then come home and do some ssk on my dpn’s. Always busy Chez Stressreaction as you can see. Both in and out of the shower.

The product of my most recent ssk on the dpn’s:

Madder Rib Socks from Knitting Vintage Socks.
Sock Hop Yarn in Pink Cadillac
Crystal Palace Bamboo dpn's 2.5mm

I know what you are thinking. They don't match. But it's much more obvious in the pic's than in real life. I probably wouldn't use them in a swap, but for me? Perfect. The yarn is squooshy and the handspun nature makes every pair unique. If you get a chance, grab some Sock Hop. You won't be sorry!

*Acronym key in the extended entry if you are at all interested! Impress your doctor with all you learn surfing the knitting blogs!

My Wee Tiny Sock may be a day (or two) late, but it makes me so happy.

Jesus said it, and I choose to believe it. I have to believe it really. To think anything else is to go deeper into the blackness and the pain that already surrounds me. The one comfort, the one spark of light is knowing that my mother is indeed in the arms of her Savior. That she feels no more pain, or sadness, or loss. She is perfected in peace.

I carry her with me always. When I look in the mirror, it’s her body I see. I have her curly hair, her laugh, and her hands. It is through her that I learned to love the craft of those hands. She taught me to knit and to sew, to love reading and learning.

She took me to church and because she did, I have the assurance, in the midst of my pain, that I will spend eternity with her. This, above all else, is the greatest gift she has ever given me.

My heart is broken.