There is a stone on my chest. Or maybe it’s in my chest. Where my heart should be. It sits, heavy enough to make shallow the breath, until the moment comes when I realize that I haven’t breathed, and I must, though the effort is great.
If I were an artist, I would paint the world as I see it now. I walk, into the wind, and I talk and smile and even laugh at times. The trees are green and beautiful on my drive to work. It has rained almost every day since my mother died, but when the rain stops, the sky is a brilliant blue with snowy white clouds. But if I were an artist, I would have to wash the whole picture with the grey of the rain, even when the sun is shining.
There are more birds in my backyard than I ever noticed before. I sit, sometimes for an hour or more and watch them as they fly and sing and build their nests. There is so much life there.
Life all around me, but not touching me, until suddenly grief rears up and tears at my heart and my lungs and my thoughts until I feel as if I might drown. And then I breathe again.
Comments (21)
I wish I could take your pain away but I can't. You have to feel it and walk through it. Eventually you will come out on the other side and the world won't be gray anymore. There will be sunshine and laughter and happy memories and all of that will touch you. I promise, even though you can't feel that way now, that this will get better.
Posted by Carole | May 3, 2007 6:03 AM
Posted on May 3, 2007 06:03
Sigh. And small smile.
Posted by Emily | May 3, 2007 7:58 AM
Posted on May 3, 2007 07:58
Leah, I wish there were more I could offer you, but the only thing I have is my wish that you find strength and healing and peace in the arms of your family and, eventually, in the sunshine and the birds and all the things your mother took pleasure in in her life. I hope they pierce through the gray soon.
Posted by Rachel | May 3, 2007 8:04 AM
Posted on May 3, 2007 08:04
Leah, God loves you very much and He's with you. I think that sometimes He sends the birds to touch us and show us His love.
Posted by Beth | May 3, 2007 8:16 AM
Posted on May 3, 2007 08:16
I am thinking of you and keeping you in my prayers for peace and comfort in your head and your heart. I hope your children and husband are being supportive through your grief. hugs and kisses for you Leah
Posted by Laura | May 3, 2007 9:48 AM
Posted on May 3, 2007 09:48
Your grief is young, it's strong and palpable. It will abate slowly with a roller coaster of emotion and you will come out the other side a stronger person. You are in my heart and I'm sending you a big hug of friendship.
Posted by margene | May 3, 2007 10:26 AM
Posted on May 3, 2007 10:26
Oh Leah, I wish I had some words that would make you feel better. Know that I am thinking of you and wishing you peace.
Hugs to you.
Posted by Karen | May 3, 2007 10:30 AM
Posted on May 3, 2007 10:30
I'm so very sorry for your pain and grief...I agree with Carole - you have to go through it but you will eventually be able to smile at the memories and find happiness again. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Posted by Esther | May 3, 2007 11:20 AM
Posted on May 3, 2007 11:20
Dear Leah,
I am so sorry that your are in so much pain right now. I pray that you will find comfort sooner rather than later in all of those happy memories of your beautiful mom. Try to focus on this even though it is hard... From where she is in Heaven, she probably wants to see you happy. Her love will always be with you through eternity. This is only temporary --someday you will be reunited with your beautiful momma again! Just like I will see my beautiful angel:) O.K. I'm crying now... Got to go.
Posted by Marisol | May 3, 2007 11:45 AM
Posted on May 3, 2007 11:45
Oh Leah!!! My heart still aches for you and your aching and yet oh so selfishly, I am so glad to see you in blogland. Your post reminds me of a line of poetry (Verlaine, if I'm not mistaken): il pleure dans mon coeur comme il pleut sur la ville, quelle est cette langeur qui penetre mon coeur? (It cries in my heart as it rains in the city, what is this anguish that penetrates my heart?). Miss you.
Posted by amanda | May 3, 2007 1:02 PM
Posted on May 3, 2007 13:02
Oh, Leah . . . I'm so sorry....
Posted by --Deb | May 3, 2007 5:38 PM
Posted on May 3, 2007 17:38
Hugs to you. My thoughts and prayers are with you on your painful journey.
Posted by keri | May 3, 2007 9:10 PM
Posted on May 3, 2007 21:10
Very eloquently expressed. What a hard time to have to go through. Hang in there.
Posted by Renee | May 3, 2007 11:34 PM
Posted on May 3, 2007 23:34
yes.
glad to read your eloquent expression of this moment.
thank you so much. it is beautiful.
breathe.
yes, breathe.
please know you are loved.
Posted by Teyani | May 4, 2007 12:07 AM
Posted on May 4, 2007 00:07
God bless you, Leah. You'll see her again one day, and He will give you the answers.
Posted by katie | May 4, 2007 9:54 AM
Posted on May 4, 2007 09:54
Keep breathing, Leah. Crying for and with you. Hoping you find some peace today and a little more each day after this. God Bless.
Posted by Karen | May 4, 2007 12:31 PM
Posted on May 4, 2007 12:31
Oh, Leah. What can I say!! I've figured out that we all need to get through this in our own way and sometimes it can be hard to figure out what it is we need. For me, I still can't believe it has happened but I know I must figure out someway to go on. I too, hope that you are getting the support that you need. Know that you have it from all of us when/if you need anything at all!!
Posted by Lisa | May 7, 2007 6:48 AM
Posted on May 7, 2007 06:48
Oh I'm so sad for you. I'll be praying for you and thinking about you.
Posted by Cheryl | May 7, 2007 7:02 AM
Posted on May 7, 2007 07:02
Peace be with you. You are loved. Thoughts are with you.
Posted by KaKi | May 7, 2007 9:00 AM
Posted on May 7, 2007 09:00
Oh Leah! I found you from Carole...so sad that you lost your mom. Beautiful pic of her (with you?). I've been in that awful pit of despair, but not over the loss of a parent. It really sucks! Here's something that may comfort you. I lost a good friend a few years ago (there's more about that, involving me feeling guilty about not visiting, then relieved that I didn't...). Anyhow, that very night I learned he had died, I felt his presence in my room. Just a sort of comfort that he was ok. Then some weeks later Jesus came to me, with Leonard, and wrapped me up in love and warmth and light. I know it sounds a bit wacked (especially as I don't go to church), but I KNEW. A good friend told me that when we are in that place of spiritual knowing, well, we've seen the truth (and she's not even christian!). Anyhow, it was peaceful, and warm and loving and light! You KNOW your mom's there too. And one day, hopefully not soon, you will be there too. And the time apart won't seem like anything on that day. Best wishes...
Posted by lisa | May 7, 2007 2:44 PM
Posted on May 7, 2007 14:44
Leah, you writing paints a picture and says exactly what I could imagine I would feel if I were in your shoes.
I found you through CaroleKnits blog and was curious to find another Leah that knits as well. Your socks are beautiful.
I hope your knitting can give you some comfort as it does me during times of grief.
Posted by Leah (Agile Knitter) | May 8, 2007 8:45 AM
Posted on May 8, 2007 08:45