Stress Reaction

I didn't even know what NaBloPoMo was until yesterday. Then, I wanted to do it!

I'm late. I know. But I'm going to do it anyway. I’m looking at it as a growth opportunity. My usual approach is to not start anything late. And definitely not to skip steps. So here I am flying in the face of my own convention, and it feels good.

I might slip a couple of extra posts in there to satisfy my own sense of order. I mean, after all, there is personal growth and then there is just plain running amuck!

So, for today, some fall color.

I voted!

It kind of made me a little weepy, this privilege and obligation we have. The way the National Anthem makes me weepy. Almost like the time I full out cried when, just after 9/11, the band unfurled the US flag along the entire width and breadth of the football stadium.

Because I love this country. And as messed up as it is, and as much as it feels like our government has incited the hatred of the majority of the world, it's still who I am, who we are.

Americans.

The day was over before I knew it. I woke up, feeling almost hung over with the stress and anxiety of yesterday.

Here's to peace, healing, renewed prosperity for this country. We need to move forward from division. Work together. Remember we are United.

Please be with me.

Light afternoon. Lot’s of flu shots on the schedule, which means a lot of work for my nurse, but not so much for me. And I need that after yesterday and this morning, days which tested my endurance, my patience and my dedication to my field.

So, Friday afternoon, new socks on my feet, FUTAB!

What’s not to love?

Monkey Socks
Lorna's Laces Shepherd Sock in Spring Forward

Shall we spin?

Some people rave about New Mexico skies.

If I can do them justice, I think Oklahoma skies can compare.

The bead thing is absolutely killing me. I love the beads. I want to bead everything I knit for the rest of my life! I’m a bead addict! (My addictions are intense, but short lived!)

But which beads with which yarn? I’ve cast on this stole twice, but I’m thinking the third time is going to be the charm. The dagger beads look great with the Olive, but I think the pink beads look even better. Any thoughts?

Hanging Garden Stole by Sivia Harding
Fleece Artist Suri Blue in Olive and Ivory

For the last 18 months I have been pretending that this isn’t so.

But the truth is, I feel broken, the pieces scattered.

And if I am committing to blogging most days of this month, I’m going to run out of bright and cheerful things to say.

I don’t have a lot of experience with depression. Anxiety I know. We are long acquainted and get along the majority of the time. But depression is unfamiliar to me. I’m not sure how to negotiate this new landscape. Or how long I should expect it to last. How long do you grieve for your mother?

Even the things she said that used to piss me off, like Wednesday’s child is full of woe (usually said when I did something to piss her off). I don’t know if she was predicting my future, or hers with me, but it was something she used to tell me all the time.

Full of woe.

Last Wednesday was a bad day.

Today and, in reality, most days are good days. Last week was stressful and tiring and I got sick this weekend (the less said about that the better), so I think I was coming down with something.

But you guys are awesome! So much love and support and prayers and good wishes and good advise. And I’m not putting it to waste. I promise. Because even though today is a good day, and most days are good days, those bad days do happen. And they are not fun when they happen.

So I have a plan. And a loving group of friends to help me follow the plan. Yes, I am looking at you!

1. I am going to seek out a grief counselor. Maybe what I am going through is normal, but it will help to hear that. And I could definitely use some coping skills to help me on those bad days.

2. I am going to start walking everyday. I know all about endorphins, and it’s time to kick those suckers into gear.

3. I am going to join a local Pilates studio. I used to do Pilates religiously about 10 years ago and not only did I love it, but I was in the best shape of my life!

4. I am going to start spending more time doing the things I enjoy. Like photography, and reading, and knitting, and less time wasted on watching stupid TV like COPS (Sorry hubby, and anyone else who likes COPS and shows like that. Nothing against them, but I think they are stupid and the only time I like it is when they taser the bad guy and he screams like a little girl. Doesn’t matter how big he is, he screams like a little girl. Now if they made a show that was nothing but tasering of bad guys, that I would probably watch, thereby revoking whatever humanitarian memberships I have)!

5. I am going to start researching my trip to Europe! Whoo and Hoo!!!

My sister and I have booked a Mediterranean cruise for the end of May. And I am so excited! We are flying into Barcelona a few days early, and then we embark on a 7-day cruise with several stops in Italy, France and Spain.

So, no more yarn shopping*, but lots of cruise knitting coming up. I’ve got visions of myself standing at the railing with the beautiful Mediterranean water in the background and a lofty lace scarf blowing back with my hair in the gentle breeze! Can you see it? I can!

*I am such a big, fat liar! Within an hour of this post I scored some Sweet Georgia Yarn. But it's Sweet Georgia! Who can blame me? Not to worry, though, I'm still on track for the rest of the "plan"!