Stress Reaction

Boredom gets me in trouble a lot. My ADD, hypomanic personality requires that I be doing something all the time. I want to climb walls and pick imaginary bugs off my skin if my hands aren’t occupied. So, as you can imagine, this forced hiatus from knitting or anything fiber related (spinning being out of the question as well) has been pretty hard to take.

My best friend has kicked me to the curb in favor of married life (and I can't honestly say I blame her, because what is there more intoxicating than new love?), so what’s a girl to do?

I’ve taken to bug photography.

These little suckers have decimated the leaves of my cannas. With my luck they will be calling their little buddies and gunning for my wool stash next.

I adopted a couple of puppies. The one on the left is Bébé. She came home with me from the shelter about a month after my mother died. She was in a cage in the cat room, starving, shivering and crying. They said she tested positive for Parvo and the previous owners didn’t want to mess with her. The timing being what it was, I couldn’t just leave her there to die, since all they had the ability to do was offer her food and water. The antibiotics and IV fluids required to keep her alive cost more than any pure bred, but as you can see, she is healthy and much loved.

The one on the right has no name. He came home with me because his previous owner just had a baby and didn’t have time for both. We haven’t named him yet because his personality is still developing, but I am leaning towards Darcy. He has green eyes (seriously; I’ve never seen a dog with green eyes before), and I've always imagined Mr. Darcy with green eyes.

So my dog total now stands at four, which puts me at serious risk of a husband total of zero. Serious trouble.

My peeps!

I know you all are still out there, because I’ve been following your various antics on this here internets! Great thing, internets, isn’t it? You can do the whole lurking thing and keep up with you friends while maintaining a low profile yourself! Gotta love it.

But really, the low profile on my end was not by choice. I’ve had my nose to the proverbial grindstone in the form of studying for my recertification exam. Funny thing about medicine; once every six years they want me to take this six-hour test and prove that I know enough to “do no harm”. Whaa?

Anyway, I had to bring my head above the sand (or the pages) long enough to publicly thank Kat for a superb Special Swap package.

The theme was Movie Night, and Kat can put together one of the best Friday Night Knit packages ever! A fabulous chick flick (ashamed to admit it, but one of my absolute favorite genres)! A treasure of a book: A Treasury of Knitting Patterns (Squeeeeeee)! Aromatherapy candles to set the mood, and finally some super soft Touch 4 ply Pure New Zealand Fine Wool for (I’m thinking) a fabulously lacy scarf!

Kat, you rock my friend! Thank you so much for the much needed study break!

PS. There was popcorn, too, but you all can guess how quickly that went!

Hey Y'all!

Welcome to New Bra Monday! And don’t go trying to tell me that wearing a new bra on a Monday is never a good idea, because I had that whole conversation with myself this morning and apparently I JUST DON’T LISTEN!!! All I’m thinking is its Monday, and who doesn’t need a little bit of extra support on a Monday? It’s got to make your Monday go better, right?

Now I’m not one of those get ‘em measured, find the perfect fit, specialty bra kind of women. I’m pretty standard size and just about any Target or Wally World will carry a Playtex that will fit me. Thing is, I haven’t bought a new bra in awhile, and I forgot what un-relaxed elastic and new under wire can do to a person. We may only be talking a few inches here, but that lift is enough to make me feel like I my 5 foot 5 1/2 inch person is looking down at my desk over a 4-½ foot cement retaining wall! These puppies are indeed lifted and separated!

I’ve had shoe sales persons tell me to walk around on carpeted floors and take an older, comfortable pair of shoes with you the first few times you wear your new shoes to work to change into in case they get uncomfortable. Never knew that applied to new bras. It would never have occurred to me to test-drive my new bra and take a back up bra to work with me. See what you get when you bargain shop for support garments? We live and learn!

And for all of you offering support and prayers for my recertification exam, a big hug and a huge cheer! I received notification this morning that I passed! Yay!!!

So Amanda (still missing you by the way) over on Flickr is all about the futab, and once I ascertained the more benign definition of the acronym, I thought it would be a great way to introduce you to my final pair of Soctoberfest 2007 socks. (They were indeed finished in October. Getting them up on the blog just took a little longer).

I love, love, love this pair of socks, which leaves me at a loss to explain why it took me almost two years to get them off the needles. They just kept getting side lined by other projects, swap socks and life in general. Now we are complete! Sigh….

So I have had this whole Goldilocks thing going on with my knitting. I’ve cast on about five socks and it was always something. This one was too big, and this one was too small, and this one was too scratchy, and I began to think that something was amiss. And not just with my knitting.

I’ve been noticing a general dissatisfaction with life as a whole. Maybe it’s the holidays, with the whole mustshop, mustshop, mustshop mantra pounding at my head, or the concern I have that my father told me recently that he just doesn’t "have the spirit” this year. (Ummm, at the risk of making someone jump off a building because I am saying it again: Mom died this year, Dad)!

But I know, deep down, that it’s more than that.

I need a purpose. Not in the physical sense (raising a family and healing the sick meet that need just fine). But in the spiritual sense. My greatest joy in my job is when I connect with someone on an emotional level. When they get that I get where they are coming from. That I have been there and understand in a way that has nothing to do with a textbook.

I'm exploring options on that front, but in the mean time, I’m thinking this sock looks just right!

Colinette Jitterbug in Bue Parrot

This little clip was made to show my Dad (who I don't think quite believed me) how our little dog walks. The vet says that there is something wrong with the way his tail attaches to his spine. At any rate, it doesn't seem to give him any discomfort, and we get endless amusement out of it.

The choice of music was my daughters. Obviously we are very bad people!

Created with fd's Flickr Toys.

Via Katie. Here's what to do if you want to play along:

a. Type your answer to each of the questions below into Flickr Search.
b. Using only the first page, pick an image.
c. Copy and paste each of the URLs for the images into fd's mosaic maker.

The Questions:

1. What is your first name?
2. What is your favorite food?
3. What high school did you go to?
4. What is your favorite color?
5. Who is your celebrity crush?
6. Favorite drink?
7. Dream vacation?
8. Favorite dessert?
9. What you want to be when you grow up?
10. What do you love most in life?
11. One Word to describe you.
12. Your flickr name. (kid version: favorite animal?)

Sick people scare me.

Today was one of those days when reality reared back and slapped me upside the head and asked me “What in the hell do you think you are doing?" This guy came in with this funky heart condition which has required getting it "shocked back into rhythm” in the past, and oh, by the way, “my heart feels kind of funny”, and all of a sudden my heart is feeling kind of funny and I’m desperately longing for a run-of-the-mill sinus infection or allergy sufferer.

It’s always a bit of a shock to be reminded of how little you know verses how much there is to know. It’s a good thing, but humbling non-the-less.

On top of that, I’ve lost the knitting bug. My sister, a severe allergy sufferer, used to sit on the couch and snuffle and snort and there would be these piles of tissues strewn around her like snowdrifts.

I feel like that. I woke up a week ago with a clear head and drifts of yarn around me and absolutely no desire to knit.

Luckily, previous stitching bugs have infected me in the past, and they have cute patterns too.

My hubby and the youngest are at the movies seeing Wall-E, and the daughter is at work, so the dogs and I are spending a lazy Sunday afternoon chillin'. With this abundance of quiet time, I found myself motivated to break out the macro lens and take some photos.

I’m still in the groove with the cross-stitch, though having finished one project, I was reminded of a drawback to this noble art. It’s expensive to frame these babies!! Ouch!

Still, I love the stitching.

And the macro.

Work on 32-count linen with silk requires (for me) strong light and granny glasses. But the macro lens gives the illusion that I am stitching on a feed sack.

Not so, my friends. This is delicate work indeed.

I didn't even know what NaBloPoMo was until yesterday. Then, I wanted to do it!

I'm late. I know. But I'm going to do it anyway. I’m looking at it as a growth opportunity. My usual approach is to not start anything late. And definitely not to skip steps. So here I am flying in the face of my own convention, and it feels good.

I might slip a couple of extra posts in there to satisfy my own sense of order. I mean, after all, there is personal growth and then there is just plain running amuck!

So, for today, some fall color.

I voted!

It kind of made me a little weepy, this privilege and obligation we have. The way the National Anthem makes me weepy. Almost like the time I full out cried when, just after 9/11, the band unfurled the US flag along the entire width and breadth of the football stadium.

Because I love this country. And as messed up as it is, and as much as it feels like our government has incited the hatred of the majority of the world, it's still who I am, who we are.

Americans.

The day was over before I knew it. I woke up, feeling almost hung over with the stress and anxiety of yesterday.

Here's to peace, healing, renewed prosperity for this country. We need to move forward from division. Work together. Remember we are United.

Please be with me.

Light afternoon. Lot’s of flu shots on the schedule, which means a lot of work for my nurse, but not so much for me. And I need that after yesterday and this morning, days which tested my endurance, my patience and my dedication to my field.

So, Friday afternoon, new socks on my feet, FUTAB!

What’s not to love?

Monkey Socks
Lorna's Laces Shepherd Sock in Spring Forward

Shall we spin?

Some people rave about New Mexico skies.

If I can do them justice, I think Oklahoma skies can compare.

The bead thing is absolutely killing me. I love the beads. I want to bead everything I knit for the rest of my life! I’m a bead addict! (My addictions are intense, but short lived!)

But which beads with which yarn? I’ve cast on this stole twice, but I’m thinking the third time is going to be the charm. The dagger beads look great with the Olive, but I think the pink beads look even better. Any thoughts?

Hanging Garden Stole by Sivia Harding
Fleece Artist Suri Blue in Olive and Ivory

For the last 18 months I have been pretending that this isn’t so.

But the truth is, I feel broken, the pieces scattered.

And if I am committing to blogging most days of this month, I’m going to run out of bright and cheerful things to say.

I don’t have a lot of experience with depression. Anxiety I know. We are long acquainted and get along the majority of the time. But depression is unfamiliar to me. I’m not sure how to negotiate this new landscape. Or how long I should expect it to last. How long do you grieve for your mother?

Even the things she said that used to piss me off, like Wednesday’s child is full of woe (usually said when I did something to piss her off). I don’t know if she was predicting my future, or hers with me, but it was something she used to tell me all the time.

Full of woe.

Last Wednesday was a bad day.

Today and, in reality, most days are good days. Last week was stressful and tiring and I got sick this weekend (the less said about that the better), so I think I was coming down with something.

But you guys are awesome! So much love and support and prayers and good wishes and good advise. And I’m not putting it to waste. I promise. Because even though today is a good day, and most days are good days, those bad days do happen. And they are not fun when they happen.

So I have a plan. And a loving group of friends to help me follow the plan. Yes, I am looking at you!

1. I am going to seek out a grief counselor. Maybe what I am going through is normal, but it will help to hear that. And I could definitely use some coping skills to help me on those bad days.

2. I am going to start walking everyday. I know all about endorphins, and it’s time to kick those suckers into gear.

3. I am going to join a local Pilates studio. I used to do Pilates religiously about 10 years ago and not only did I love it, but I was in the best shape of my life!

4. I am going to start spending more time doing the things I enjoy. Like photography, and reading, and knitting, and less time wasted on watching stupid TV like COPS (Sorry hubby, and anyone else who likes COPS and shows like that. Nothing against them, but I think they are stupid and the only time I like it is when they taser the bad guy and he screams like a little girl. Doesn’t matter how big he is, he screams like a little girl. Now if they made a show that was nothing but tasering of bad guys, that I would probably watch, thereby revoking whatever humanitarian memberships I have)!

5. I am going to start researching my trip to Europe! Whoo and Hoo!!!

My sister and I have booked a Mediterranean cruise for the end of May. And I am so excited! We are flying into Barcelona a few days early, and then we embark on a 7-day cruise with several stops in Italy, France and Spain.

So, no more yarn shopping*, but lots of cruise knitting coming up. I’ve got visions of myself standing at the railing with the beautiful Mediterranean water in the background and a lofty lace scarf blowing back with my hair in the gentle breeze! Can you see it? I can!

*I am such a big, fat liar! Within an hour of this post I scored some Sweet Georgia Yarn. But it's Sweet Georgia! Who can blame me? Not to worry, though, I'm still on track for the rest of the "plan"!

Laundry day at the knit-sock-sweatshop

This woman I used to work with (the Unhappy Woman) used to mock me (with most people it could have been considered teasing, but I didn’t like her and she didn’t like me, so we’ll call it like it was) about my $1,000,000 socks.

Now a $1,000,000 might be a bit off the mark, but realistically? Sixteen pair at an average cost of $20 (a very conservative estimate, as those of you who regularly purchase sock yarn can attest) a pair = $320. On socks. And that’s not including labor, needles, stitch markers, knitting bags and the various accouterments that make this hobby so enjoyable.

I am blessed indeed.

1.Get to the tag agency when it opens to renew drivers license and get new passport photo.
2. Continue to smile politely while they take my license photo…twice. And my passport photo…twice.
3. Arrive only three minutes late to my appointment with the dental hygienist.
4. Drive to the passport office and wait only five minutes before realizing I don’t have my birth certificate.
5. Drive home and get my birth certificate and social security card, just in case….
6. Drive back to the passport office and wait 35 minutes in front of a closed, locked door that says knock/ring bell for service.
7. Restrain myself to two rings and one knock (but was glad that the guy in line behind me rang twice too).
8. Continue to smile politely while the passport agent comments that the tag agency photographer “didn’t do you any favors, did they”?
9. Stare with incredulity at the passport agent when he states that my just renewed license might cause the Department of State to question my citizenship.
10. Provide the passport agent with birth certificate, social security card, Sam’s card, and two credit cards (account numbers blacked out) to bolster my claim of citizenship.
11. Smile politely for a third set of passport photos (the ones from the tag agency where off center).
12. Drive to work and see 15 patients.
13. Drive home and….
14. Watch American Idol.
15. Feel very productive.

1. I am an unashamed and ardent fan of the Twilight and Harry Potter series.

2. I love fast cars.

3. I am passionate. When I do something, I do it well, and with passion. If, after a reasonable amount of time, I cannot do something well, then I quit doing it. (There is one notable exception to this. Those who know me well know what this exception is).

4. I love music. I don’t play an instrument, read music, or have any knowledge of what makes music work. I’m just glad it does.

5. I am addicted to my Nike+. (Thanks Karen)!

6. I love my work. I am blessed with having chosen a career with stability. It is never boring, and I never dread going into work each day, which I have learned a lot of people do.

7. I hate to budget.

8. My job pays me well, which is good, in light of #7.

9. I have a good eye for photography. Unfortunately, I am lazy about taking pictures, so I miss a lot of great shots.

10. I love to knit.

11. I wear hand-knit wool socks most days between November and April.

12. I have more sock yarn collected than I can ever possibly knit by hand.

13. I bought a working antique sock-knitting machine last year, though I have yet to master using it. Meanwhile, the sock yarn collecting continues….

14. I am a techno geek. I update my computer about every two years and my cell phone yearly. My home has WiFi, and my computers, TIVO and the Wii are all wireless. I set it all up myself.

15. I took HTML classes online last year and built a website from the ground up, just because it looked like fun. It was. But I’m done with that for now.

16. My kids are happy, healthy and not in jail, and they think I am a “cool mom”.

17. I consider motherhood a success.

18. I can be very impulsive. This has led to poor decisions in the past, and though I have regrets, I would not change the past, because it has made me who I am, and I like myself.

19. I have one tattoo. I plan on expanding that, but I have this thing about tattoos having meaning and being connected, so I am working with an artist on a theme.

20. I have dreamt since Junior High School of being a writer.

21. I love to read.

22. My husband has suggested that if I read less and write more, I might actually realize my dream.

23. I consider this a challenge.

24. I look forward to Eternal life. This life is fun, but I chafe at the limitations, be it time, money, age or whatever.

25. I truly believe that success and happiness in life are self-limited.